A Bungling Sailor
“Hello Derek. Haven’t seen you in here for a long while.”
“Hi Malc! Been out on the road earning a few pennies. How are you anyway? Let me buy you one. Same again?”
“Hell no, Derek, it’s my shout. You’re too generous, what will it be? G&T?”
“No, can’t drive on G&T’s these days Malc. Lemonade and slice of lemon, no ice, please barman.”
“Hey Derek, let’s move over to the table over there. Less smoke and quieter. We’ve got lot of catching up to do.”
“OK Malc. By the way, how is Jenny, and your son, eer James?”
“It’s Andrew and they are just fine. You’ll have to come round and bring Wendy for dinner. Must fix it up before you leave. And how is Susan, your gorgeous daughter? Finished Uni. yet? Bright girl!”
“She’s got another two years to go with her PhD.”
“Hey Derek! I saw your brother Chas at the boat show last week. Looking very prosperous he was. What’s he up to these days. You always called him a looser in the past, didn’t you?”
“It’s Charles and Lady Alice now. Yeah, he’s quite something now and unlike you, at the Boat Show he was buying not just gawping and wishing.”
“Yeah, I saw him on board some luxury yacht where you need invitation to go on board. So, what’s suddenly changed?”
“Well, it’s a long story but worth telling. Cheers! You’re right, he was a good for nothing, hopeless case and the family couldn’t do a thing for him. Anything he touched or job he had would go awry and he would be sacked or have to pay up the cost of damage he’d done.”
“He was ever so nice and his wife Alison. We had some great evenings all together Derek. Didn’t we?”
“Oh, he was very social our Chas but not an iota of sense. Had our mother worried sick most of the time. Now, the sun shines out of his every orifice for her!”
“So, what’s changed? Go on tell all. I didn’t recognise Alison, all tanned and blonde she was.”
“All out of a bottle Malc and all for show, God bless them. It started when I wanted to sell the family GP14, since it was cluttering ‘My’ driveway. I foolishly gave Chas the yachting magazine where I had advertised it and it must have got him thinking.”
“I didn’t know he was into sailing Derek.”
“Well, we both were when we were lads, Mirrors on the reservoir and lots of trophies to prove it. I wanted to go up to GP’s but then he got more interested in girls than crewing with me.”
“Oh, I knew you were keen, you even invited me once. Only once thank God. Got walloped by the boom a few times I remember.”
“Yeah, you weren’t much of a sailor Malc but let me go on. Next thing I know, well we know, is he’s sold up his house and bought an old wreck in Southampton Water. Living on it, he was, with Alice and doing it up. Got him out of our hair for a while which was good for Mother’s health but then he plans to sail this tub around the World.”
“I didn’t know he had any experience of the sea, Derek?”
“Until this happened his only experience was with a bucket and spade at Brighton. We thought and hoped it would all fizzle out, as all of his schemes. Anyway, Mum sent me down there to check him out and there he was in a fifty foot, two master, doing a shakedown cruise on the Solent.”
“Sounds a big boat for just two of them Derek.”
“Not only was it big but it really looked really sad and neglected. Needed lots of work doing to it but the fool got a crew of four young lads and set sail for the Azores.”
“But didn’t he have any qualifications to sail or anything?”
“Did he buggery like! At least one of the crew had a failed Masters Certificate which was good enough for our Chas. In the begging letter he sent from the Azores, he said he would pick it up as he went along. Cost me a fortune to bail him out, at Mum’s request, to get him back home.”
“So, when did the change in fortune come in Derek?”
“You haven’t heard the best of it yet Malc. His first crew abandon him, not surprising, and he manages to find another couple of young lads to crew. We then expected him to hobble home and that would be the end of another expensive mishap, but oh no! He sets course for Miami as we found out later.”
“Weren’t you worried?”
“Well, no Derek. We thought he was sailing back home. It was only the next pleading letter that we found him in the Bahamas. They got caught in a hell of a storm and got dismasted and sprang a few beams, so they were floating in the Atlantic in a sieve.”
“Didn’t they radio for help then?”
“What Chas? The radio was broken and even if it was working Chas wouldn’t know how to work it. He had the gall to tell me later that the radio was OK, but there was a loose wire to the battery. Anyway, they managed to fix up a jury rig and sailed on, pumping out the bilges and fishing for something to eat, since their food had spoilt by the sea water during the storm.”
“How long were they sailing in this state?”
“Don’t really know, since they just followed the prevailing wind and current which fortunately, and eventually, dumped them in the Bahamas.”
“That was fortunate Derek. What happened then? Did they fly back?”
“Not My brother Chas, and Alison, who should have had more sense. They stuck the boat in a yard and told them to repair it, with the intention of sailing around the bottom of South America and into the Pacific, you know the rough bit down there.”
“Oh no! Where did he get the money for repairs?”
“That was it! On my initiative we wouldn’t send them money so they would have to sell the boat and come home, even sent them plane tickets, “Not transferable”!”
“Obviously you’re going to tell me they didn’t do that.”
“Correct Malc. The yard finished the boat and couldn’t get the money out of Chas for the repairs. Worst thing was that the cost of repairs was more than the boat was worth.”
“Shit! What did they do then?”
“Well to recover their money the clever yard owner got Chas to charter the boat out to rich Americans and Chas and Alison would act as hosts. The yard owner had the sense to put in a good skipper and crew, to sail and run the boat. Well Chas and Alison were in their elements. They became the essence of an English country couple, Charles and Lady Alice and socially wowed the Americans off their feet.”
“What Alison, with her broad Cockney?”
“Hey now Lady Alice, as she liked to be called, put on the best English accent, that our Queen would be proud of. They both laid it on in shovels full and their punters were so delighted that they soon ended up running two more boats.”
“How did they manage to do that Derek. Surely, they couldn’t divide their time between three boats or could they?”
“That’s precisely what they did Malc. They got all English crews and chefs, and they had a State Room on each boat for their use and would hop off one boat onto another and keep all their rich clients happy. Even Jenny, my brainy daughter, went as crew. Do you know, Charles even sent Jenny off to a Swiss finishing school to polish her up, the cheek! Did wonders for her though. She can charm the birds off the trees now. She goes out there with her Uni pals during the hols to work on the boats and they all have a whale of a time entertaining rich Americans.”
“So, what’s Charles doing at the Boat Show, Derek?”
“He’s expanding his fleet and upgrading the yachts. Has six of these gin palaces now, all earning him poots of dollars. Bought Mum and Dad a nice retirement place in Bournemouth and is living the life of Riley.”
“So, he’s a real “Charles and Camila” now?”
“Yeah, but back home they revert back to type. Alice is back to Cockney and slurping her tea out of the saucer, whilst my brother is just the life and soul of the party, as he always was. Funnily, he still blunders about when he’s out of character.”
“Do you think he’ll come back home?”
“No Malc. He’s onto a good thing and led on by some cute American businessmen who know their stuff. He’s still got the two plane tickets I sent him. Waves them under my nose, he does, telling all asunder what he would have missed out on, if he’d have taken up my offer then, of a flight home. Ah well, must rush. Give me a call to arrange dinner. Bye, greetings to all!”
