The Gravediggers
Sid, Slade and me are gravediggers on’t Royd cemetery, overlooking t’Shay. Halifax you knaw. Ah does the tractor work, wit highlift. Ah shifts all the clay tut gulley and fetch all the bricks ant mortar tut site. Sid does’t digging and he does a grand job we’it. Ahll topsoil goes on’t side for’t backfill and ahll t’clay goes on’t tarp so ah can scoop it up on’t highlift and taak it tut gulley like. Sid cuts clay into bricks and thraws them on’t tarp for us. He’s rum bugger and doesn’t say out, just nods his heid. Slade near shuts up and he does’t all brickying in’t and around t’hole tut support the head stone and does a grand job too. He also helps art Sid. Oh aye, ah also does’t mash.
Gaffer from down’t office comes twice a week and gives us our ticket for’t work ant pay packet on’t Thursdays. When’t slack, we cut t’grass and take up t’all flowers that are deed. Make place look grand. Not much grass cutting in’t winter now. Too much bloody rain and too much bloody ground watter. Slade just manages tut brick in t’hoil befar watter’s overt his bewts. Can’t put coffins in t’ground now cos they’t float away. Slade ses that souls of those poor departed buggers better be able tut swim cos they won’t get tut gates. We have tut stack coffins in’t Chapel til holes empty of watter. Right busy in’t Chapel there now. Those poor buggers must be getting quite ripe in them coffins, at least we ‘ave somewhere to rest our backsides and av snap.
Why, last Friday we had a rare do whit funeral. Chaplin comes and eight big fellers, in black topcoats, bear t’coffin up tut grave weet prepared. Must ‘ave been a bloody big bugger inside cos’t bearers right struggled wit coffin up’t hill. For’t funerals we het te cut down an old Chapel door and fix it half’t way up’t hole, above’t watter line, sos coffin wouldn’t float and we can back coffin intut Chapel after’t event right easy. We also cover all and owt wit green artificial grass to mek it look grand and mourners don’t get clarts on’t shoes. The mourners insist that theres lower the coffin in’t hole theyselves sos we stand by. We had a clean pail of dry soil fort mourners to dab a bit in but these bloody mourners insist on’t hole been back filled tut top, ant stone slab teby placed on’t top, at that. We hatu put stone slabs on anywez sos littleuns don’t fall in’t holes but we normally teks box out furst and teks it tut Chapel. At least Slade had’t sense tut chuck ropes in ant green stuff around’t hole. They gave us twenty quid each which were right grand of them so we touched our caps and thanked them well.
When they’d buggered off in’t cars, az got the highlift ant lads got stone slab off ant ah was able tut lift bloody lot off’t hole in one ga, on’t ropes you see. Lads put stone slab back and tidied up a while, then us took all tut Chapel. Fair do’s for twenty quid now. Had to hose the coffin down tut get rid of t’clarts. Then we had a mash.
Gaffer comes up, Thursday, wit pay and looks mighty crumpled. Ses we gona have Health onto us if we kept coffins outa t’grund much longer. Wants us up byte six next marning sos we can’t load coffins on tut wagen thar-is-sent-fer. Overtime he ses so we nods. Next marning, ah loads twenty coffins ontut wagen wit highlift ant we have a mash. Driver telts us hes offte t’crem wit load and we might just see t’smoke ont far yonder hill. We nods and sups our mash.
Must ave been a fortneet on whens Force arrives from’t Wakefield. Had us take slab oft big buggers grave we did. Full of watter they sid. Could’ave told the buggers that in’t furst place. Called in’t fire brigade tut pump out a piss pot of watter. Could’ve done it wit a few pails in no time. Big bugger in’t blue ses, ‘its empty’. Could’ave told buggers that in’t furst place too. Big man ses tut t’others that they still hadn’t fund the money. They’t got the men who’d done the bank job but couldn’t fund t’millions in cash. They didn’t ask us owt and us said nowt. We were only’t gravediggers on’t Royd. They were’t lardy-da’s in’t blue from’t Wakefield.
Didn’t even give us a bob.
