The Lottery Salesman
Torrential rain came flooding down as Edward looked gloomily out of the lounge window. “I can’t let you kids go to school on the bus,” he muttered to no one in particular, as he sauntered back into the kitchen. “OK kids, daddy is going to be an angel and take you all to school in his car, so hurry up with your breakfast and I’ll finish off your lunch boxes.” He received a grin of approval as they all momentarily stopped shovelling their cereal and glanced out through the kitchen window, at the deluge outside. “It’s getting worse and the wind is getting up,” he muttered to himself as he slammed shut the plastic boxes and stuffed them in their individual bags, followed by a pair of shoes. “Wellies on today! Your shoes in your bags! Don’t leave them at school or else!” he warned them with a look and waited for an acknowledging nod from each child. “Two minutes and I’ll have the car ready. Don’t go out or you’ll get soaked. Wait for me and the brolly. OK?” he said sternly as he donned his outer coat and unfurled the ancient golfing brolly.
He ran to the car and threw in the bags in the back and returned to collect Sarah who was waiting patiently. “Good old Sarah, always dependable,” he muttered as he swept her up in one arm and bundled her into the car. He returned for the two lads, who as usual were still struggling with their boots and pushing each other. Edward watched them for a while until they noticed him and stopped their silliness. Outside the front door, he stopped them and shouted back up the stairs, “Bye, Janice! I’m taking the kids in the car. The weather is foul. Be careful out there!” He slammed the door, not expecting a reply and not receiving one.
By now the wind was blowing the rain horizontally so the protection of the brolly was hardly effective. “Now behave yourselves in the back there boys!” he warned. “Don’t forget, we still have to pass your bus stop and I can still relent and allow you out in the rain to catch the school bus.” This was greeted by a silence which he hoped for, as affirmation. He normally took Sarah to school by car in the morning and the boys made their own way by bus, let out by their mother. She could have offered to take them in her car, on her way to work, he thought. But there was no point in asking her, even though she knew he had an important meeting this morning. This was going to delay him and he was going to arrive late into the Boardroom and dripping rainwater at that. What the hell he thought. The wellbeing of the kids was far more important. It still irked him that his wife had been up longer than he had, preening herself in readiness for work whilst he had to get the kids off to school. She knew that this morning was special, but still he thought, that was his job each morning and he quite enjoyed it.
He dropped the two lads off, as close to the school gates as possible and headed for Reading. The wind and rain had picked up even more. The traffic was reacting by going slower which meant that he would be even later. He wanted to put on a good appearance for his new boss and being late was going to spoil all that. There was a rumour of redundancy in the air and the new boss had been labelled the ‘Axe man.’ As he turned a corner, sod’s law came into play again as a supermarket plastic bag hit his windscreen and immediately got entangled in his already overburdened wipers. Changing their speed only seemed to make matters worse. He would have to stop and dislodge the bag if he was going to drive on safely.
Ahead, a bus pulled out of its lay-by and he made a quick decision to nip in behind and off the road. The fierce wind nearly pulled the door out of his hand but he managed to control it and grabbed the plastic with his other. His first instinct was to throw it aside but his inner self of tidiness got the better of him and he threw it into the passenger foot-well, where he watched it ooze water. He was soaked but at least he had a clear view. His journey from then on was trouble free apart from the fact he was at least half an hour late, and he would have to clean himself up somehow before entering the meeting and apologizing for his misdemeanour. He rehearsed his excuses. Should it be deadly serious or jokey? He decided on the ‘serious,’ since he didn’t know his new boss. At the end of the day, it was all in vain since most of the others were also late, held up by the traffic and the boss hadn’t even made it. It was lunch time when they heard that the boss would turn up and deigned to meet with them all at two in the afternoon.
Edward was part of the sales team, more of an order taker and merchandiser than a salesman. His family came first, at least his two boys and daughter, his job was decidedly second in line, so all ambition to proceed up the ladder had been put aside long ago. ‘Steady Eddie’ was his name in the team and he plodded on as told, veering neither left nor right. His job was being out on the road, so to be at the Head Office was unusual for him and he felt uncomfortable.
He decided to go down to his car and wait it out there, listen to the radio and munch on his ham and English mustard sandwiches. To his dismay he found he had forgotten them in the change of routine at home in the morning, but he did find the wet plastic bag that caused him so much trouble earlier. He picked it up and looked about for a suitably waste bin close by. He felt something in the bag and found a broken off cauliflower leaf that had caused all his problems, a crunched up till receipt and a slightly damp five-pound note. He put the bank note on the dash to dry and hurried out between the squalls to deposit the plastic bag in a bin.
Sitting back in the warm cocoon of his car, he felt hungry and in need of a drink and decided to explore the high street for a café and stuck the fiver in his top pocket. He soon came across a corner shop. Not really a corner shop since it was in a terrace of shops but a small independent, selling everything imaginable. He recognised it as his kind of shop immediately. The ones he serviced on a daily basis. They were his bread and butter. A familiar bell rang as he pushed open the door. A young Sikh in a black turban greeted him with a smile as he approached the counter. The floor was covered in cardboard to soak up the wet, otherwise the shop was spotless and well arranged as he cast a professional eye over the shelving and fitments.
“Can I help you?” asked the Sikh, in impeccable English, with no accent. A second generation he assumed, born and schooled over here.
“I’d like a ham sandwich with English mustard on brown bread and a cup of coffee to take away please,” said Edward automatically hoping to test the service of the establishment as was his wont. The answer surprised him.
“Sure thing, but can I suggest our chicken tikka with our home-made mango chutney on our brown buns. My wife makes them to order and they are much nicer than the plastic ham. We haven’t space at the counter to keep whole hams,” replied the shopkeeper with a flourish of his arms. Suddenly Eddie felt that he was being expertly manipulated by a Salesman way up above his league. “How would you like your coffee? I’m afraid it’s instant but better than the stuff out of the machines.”
“OK, sold. I’ll change my habits and have what you suggest. White but no sugar and just a splash of milk, watching my weight. Nice operation you’re running here.”
“Thank you, Sir, I try and do my best. I haven’t seen you here before. I presume you are from the office up the road. We get a few of you coming in here.”
“We must stick out like sore thumbs. Not like your ordinary clientele.”
“I recognised the professional eye you cast over the place. You folks all do that. I hope it meets approval?”
“Certainly does, apart from the floor, but in this weather there’s nothing better than cardboard for soaking up the wet and dirt. How much do I owe you?”
“Three pounds for the lot unless you need anything else.”
“Fair enough,” replied Eddie, reaching into his top pocket for the fiver that would provide him with a free lunch and change to boot. Suddenly a guilty feeling came across him that he was spending somebody else’s money and he diverted his hand to his coat pocket for the loose change. His roving eye caught the site of the Loto desk and he made an instant decision to spend the fiver on a ticket, consoling himself that half the money would go to some charity. “And five lottery tickets please. Might as well have a go and amuse myself.”
“I recommend lucky dip Sir. Quite a few punters have done well in my shop. There you are and your sandwich and coffee are in the bag on the counter. Be careful, it will be hot.”
“Thank you for the good service. I don’t know if I’ll be back since this is not my patch but you run a good outfit here. Bye,” said Eddie, picking up the bag and striding out of the shop purposefully, back to his car and some needy refreshment.
The meeting, as all Sales meetings was pretty boring, full of jargon, supposedly to boost their performance. The new boss didn’t seem too aggressive although he did change the bonus system. Volume sales he wanted and would give additional incentives for those who shifted the most. Eddie assumed that this was the usual clearance of the warehouse for new lines coming in, or at least new packaging, since dog food was always going to be dog food and no punter was going to taste the difference. He would stick to his old and well-tried methods, not to be too greedy with the price and offer the shopkeepers a fair deal. His Regional Manager, Stuart, had an unwanted surprise for him.
“Eddie, since Harry is on vacation for the next two weeks, and you are our seasoned campaigner, we have allocated his region to you during this push. It’s only Berkshire, I’ll take on Oxfordshire myself,” he said smugly as the others in the room visibly sighed in relief. Eddie just nodded his head in obedience, trying to give the impression that this was just a normal occurrence but deep inside he was seething. This extra territory would put paid to his bonus on his own patch. After the meeting, he decided to drive back immediately and pick up the children from school on his way home. Save them another drenching.
Saturday morning was the same routine. Whilst Janice caught up on her beauty sleep and more pampering, he would take Sarah to dancing and the boys to their football. The weather had changed to just a cold windy day. Maybe in the afternoon he would take them all to Reading to watch the reserves play. At least it was cheap and they could use the club facilities and maybe meet some of the stars. That would leave Janice to do some housework and flick through her mountain of beauty magazines. Eddie reminisced and pondered over the change in his wife. Mid-life crisis he mused. It all happened when she switched from being a mortal hairdresser to a beautician. Then all their troubles began. Janice then had to look younger and better than her clients. Her credit cards were caned for all their worth, paying for cosmetics and fashion clothing, everything became secondary.
Oh, apart from her car. Now she needed the latest sports model, fully loaded. In between the beauty mags were car magazines which she perused just as avidly. She could give the guys on Top Gear a run for their money on her immense knowledge of the automobile. All their savings, put away to fund a larger house for their growing family, had to go to bail out her massive credit card debt. Eddie then made a deal with Janice, his wife, that in the future, she would be limited to one card and that she could spend all that she earned on herself and he would fund the rest of the household expenses. She had agreed to this arrangement but her expensive tastes now meant that she worked as many hours as she could and he was left looking after the children most of the time. She was a good mother if not a gracious wife and loved the children even though Eddie was left to look after all their needs, whilst Janice either worked or preened herself to attain everlasting youth.
Sunday mornings followed a similar routine, with Sarah off to the swimming club and the boys off to play for the school teams. Eddie would buy himself a Sunday newspaper and go for a swift half at the sports centre bar, overlooking the swimming pool, where Sarah was ploughing up and down the lanes, honing her style to perfection. Eddie started at the back, with the sports pages and worked forward. The results of the Lottery caught his eye and reluctantly decided to check his ticket. He mused it would be a waste of time but ‘in for a penny in for a pound’ he mused to himself.
The third line of his ticket matched all the numbers in the paper. He rechecked it four times, then checked the date on the paper, to see that it was valid. All matched up. He reread the short commentary on the Lottery in the paper outlining that there was only one winner and the top prize would be over five million. He read this piece again, four times, whilst he decided what to do. He picked up his paper, leaving his beer, and went down to the shop in the sport centre which also sported the Loto logo. A brief enquiry told him that for any large prizes over fifty he would have to contact the Head Office in London.
With the number in his hand, he ran to his car, sat for a few minutes to calm himself down and rang the number. A lady with a very nice voice answered, questioned and verified his numbers, where he had bought the ticket and confirmed that he was the winner of the top prize. She questioned if he would accept some publicity and he emphatically declined. He clearly spelled out that he didn’t want anybody, not even his closest family to find out. The lady suggested that he should call in at their head office in London to discuss the matter and receive some advice on what he should do with the money. An appointment was arranged for ten thirty on Tuesday morning which would allow Eddie to ponder over his fate. He tried to cover his excitement for the rest of the day but the children noticed and put it down that Reading had won an away match on Saturday. Janice was too preoccupied to have noticed any change.
Monday, after the usual routine of getting the kids up and off to school, was followed by Eddie driving to the local park, where he had a splendid open view across the Downs. He opened his laptop, with a dongle and picking up on Harry’s customer base in Berkshire. There was no way he would be able to visit all of these new customers so it was going to be a phone job at the best. After all, he now had nothing to lose, with millions on tap in his future bank account. Alphabetically he went through the list, phoning them up with a promotional offer that no one could refuse. On promise of minimum quantity orders, which was double the usual, any self-respective small-scale shopkeeper would take the bait. He offered the goods at maximum discount that he was allowed. The uptake was brisk; so brisk, that he decided to apply the same technique to his own accounts, where at least he could visualise the people on the other end of line.
By the end of the day, he had covered almost forty percent of his and Harry’s listing and had orders for more pet food that he normally would have sold in a couple of months. And when the grapevine had got working, on Wednesday, when he planned to recommence his work again, he reckoned on contacting the rest of the clients, his order book would double again, all done on the phone, in the comfort of his car and only four miles away from home.
His Tuesday visit to the Lottery headquarters in London was a grand occasion where he was treated as a Lord. Everybody was anxious to tell him what to do with his money and spend it wisely for him in the name of future investments. His main aim was to set up a new bank account with a Post Box address in Reading, so that his six point four million pounds, give or take a few pence, could be transferred and no contact would be made to his home as was strictly stipulated. The bank manger was falling over himself to comply with his rich client’s wishes. Edward suddenly experienced a new sensation of being very rich. He took home with him a paraphernalia of leaflets, giving him options on what he should do with the money. He would peruse these at his leisure in the park, once his day job was complete.
Wednesday was a good day and he attacked his client list with renewed vigour and enthusiasm. He was a changed man, with a happy go lucky attitude, no longer ‘steady Eddie.’ He upped his minimum order and adopted a take it or leave it attitude with his customers. He was no longer at their beck and call. He was in charge of his destiny and if they couldn’t see a good deal when presented to them, then it was their bad fortune and little concern of his at this moment in time. By the end of the day calls were stacking up from his more reluctant clients who had reconsidered their options and now wanted to place an order if Mr. Edward could see his way of fitting them in. After some sucking of teeth he obliged, only if they met his terms for an increased quantity. He decided to call it a day at four when he received an urgent call from his Regional Manager.
“Hi Eddie, how are you doing?”
“Fine Stuepot, just fine. Didn’t expect a call from you so soon.”
“I don’t know what you are doing Eddie but you’ve sold a whole warehouse full, emptied it completely. What’s going on Eddie?”
“Not my problem if you can’t fulfil the orders Stue. No one set a limit.”
“I know Eddie but we didn’t expect anyone to give away their full bonus discount as you’ve done.”
“No worries Stue, I’m going for the quantity bonus. I reckon I shall be the top salesman this month and that bonus will more than compensate.”
“Dangerous play Eddie, especially for you. I shall have to consult with Potter on this.”
“I’m calling his bluff Stue. He talked ‘quantity’ to death last Friday so I give him quantity and he should be pleased.”
“Eddie, you’ve been in this business a long time to know what the bullshit is all about.”
“I do Stue and you’d better consult Potter and put him straight. Get him to call me and explain what he really wants or does he just spout the same rubbish as the rest of you at the top.”
“Where were you yesterday, Eddie? I tried your phone but it was off.”
“I was working out a strategy Stue, a plan to overcome the extra patch you landed on me purposefully. Oh, I forgot to thank you for that move. So, who was your protégé that you were cultivating for the top award? Certainly wasn’t me, was it? Bye Stue, I have another call coming in.”
“What game are you hell playing Eddi? You’ll kill the business for all of us.”
“Hello Jim, how are you Eddie? I’m fine Jim, how’s yourself? Good to hear you are in good humour.”
“Cut the crap Eddie. It’s not like you to deviate from the norm.”
“Jim boy, you have been licking Stuepot’s backside for far too long and it looks as if he has let you down badly. Instead of giving Berkshire to you he gave it to me, brown tongue Eddie. Its dog eat dog in this business and if you don’t like the heat then, as they say, get out of the kitchen. Bye Jim, I have to close a few more stupendous sales. Sorry for the pun.” That will get the team talking thought Eddie as he smiled to himself. That has set the cat amongst the pigeons. Instead of doing their job they will be arguing and deciding how Steady Eddie has become ‘numero uno’ in Stuepot’s eyes. In the meantime, I shall clean up.
By the end of the week Eddie had little to do other than thumb through his leaflets and dream of another world, contemplating how he was going to break the news to his wife. This would mean a major change in their lifestyle but Eddie was worried that things could get worse if Janice demanded more spending power. He feared that the kids wouldn’t get a look in if she could go and be free to spend. How could he control the situation, that was his biggest fear and he had to come up with a plan to combat it?
His phone rang to break his pattern of though. He looked at the screen and the number didn’t register. He contemplated switching it off but curiosity got the better of him. It could be from the lottery people but he had expressly told them to only text him with a code so that he would call back.
“Hello, Edward Walker. Can I help you?”
“Hello Edward, its Potter. Glad I’ve caught you. Have you a minute for me.”
“Yes Mr. Potter, what can I do for you?”
“Call me Gordon, Eddie. It’s what I can do for you Eddie. I rang to congratulate you on the huge amount of business you have brought in. Amazing, particularly since it’s my first week in the Company. Extraordinary I would say. I’m sure it wasn’t just my pep talk on Friday but it’s a magnificent show Eddie.”
“So, I’m doing the right thing Mr. Potter?”
“Eddie, please call me Gordon. Of course you are. We are a two-penny bit Company and my job here is on the understanding that we become a significant player in the business. Between you and me I think the owners want to boost the Company profile so that they can sell it on to the highest bidder and you are doing exactly what I only hoped for.”
“But Gordon, will production keep up with the volume?”
“Eddie, it’s not the sales force team to worry about such things. Between you and me the owners were taken by surprise by your sudden efforts but they will add a further shift and subcontract the rest if necessary. Eddie, could I come over to see you and discuss Company matters with you. Your previous managers obviously missed your potential.”
“Thank you, Gordon, but I’d rather come to Reading.”
“Fine by me. Come at lunch time and I’ll book a table at the Fat Duck, where we can truly celebrate. Look forward to meeting you Eddie, face to face. Bye, I’ll let you get on with the good stuff.”
Monday, Eddie put on his best suit and set off for Reading to be at head office for twelve. Potter’s secretary had already confirmed twice that he was coming and he was to wait for Gordon at the Oracle car park in the centre so that they would be away from prying eyes. Gordon would then whisk him off to the Fat Duck at Bray in his Jag.
“Eddie, I’m looking forward to our chat. Between us, I want to put together a plan that will shake up our sales force or to put it bluntly, increase our sales volume at least threefold. We need to get into the Market percentages with the big boys for them to notice and we can only do this aggressively. Volume is King, profit is the nave at this time. We have bigger fish to fry. By the way, I have took the opportunity to look at your remuneration package and I’ve instructed the bean counters to up your salary by ten percent, back dated to the beginning of this month and of course you’re heading for a massive bonus. You can contemplate on how to spend it whilst I concentrate on finding my way to this restaurant. I hear it’s better than good. I think we both will enjoy today’s outing.”
Eddie was enjoying the outing more than Gordon Potter had contemplated. He now had a plan to help his family without disclosing the full origin of the source of the money. He could intermingle the moneys from his raise and bonuses with his private income from the bank without Janice suspecting too much. A new house was on the cards, with a separate room for each of his kids and a study for himself. He was enjoying himself now without a care in the world other than Janice and he could just about handle her. He had done so successfully for the last five years.
The discussion at the Fat Duck proved more fruitful than Eddie could ever dream of. He was put in charge of a telesales department with all his colleagues being given the big ‘E’ and the merchandising was to be subcontracted out to a more professional Merchandising Company who already had people in the field. Eddie surprised himself by feeling no sense of guilt in having a hand in making twelve of his colleagues redundant. He didn’t mix with them socially and felt that they looked down on Steady Eddie. If it didn’t work out, then that wouldn’t be a financial burden and if the Company sale materialised, he was promised a substantial bonus. Either way he was protected and felt rather smug.
“Gordon, thank you for the fabulous meal and I’ve really enjoyed our discussion. Can you do just one more thing for me?”
“Certainly Eddie, just name it.”
“It’s not much but it will cheer my wife up if you could send her a bunch of flowers and a confirmation of my raise.”
“No probs Eddie. I will go one further and include a bottle of bubbly plus confirm that you are due to a substantial bonus for your sales this week.” It couldn’t have worked out any better for Eddie even if he had planned it. Janice was impressed and immediately wanted to know if any of this money would find itself her way.
The first hiccup arose when Eddie got his special sales bonus which he increased from his own funds. The children benefited with new trainers all round and Sarah got her laptop. Janice had her credit card outstanding debt cleared and Eddie went a step too far by paying off the loan on her car where the interest rate he felt was ruinous. Instead of accepting the gift as it was intended, Janice immediately traded in her old car and took out another loan on another super model with all toys attached. This was the first time that Eddie had raised his voice but he realised quickly that there was no way he could make Janice understand that she had just put back their move to a larger house. Her own selfish needs were too important.
Six months later and opportunity arose that played into Eddie’s hand. A distant Aunt had died and Eddie had gone to the funeral. She had left only a small sum of money for all the children and Eddie ensured that a substantial sum was ‘left’ to him, sufficient for the family to move to a larger house that he had been interested in for some time. This solved a neat problem for him and his family. Janice was no wiser where the bulk of the money had come from. Gradually over time Eddie managed to filter money into his current account in the guise of bonuses so that all the family benefited, even sufficiently for Janice to satisfy her cravings for cars, fashion and beauty products. Her main concern now was that she was putting on weight and her constant dieting was affecting her moods which adversely affected her family.
Eddie felt at a loss, because the problem wasn’t just dieting it was that Janice took no exercise at all. A session at the gym was just to boring for her and made her tired she admitted and walking was not for her since she would only stop at shops where she could park immediately outside. She had already been cautioned by the Bill for misusing a ‘Doctor On Duty’ sign on her car and by now, her car was well known to the Reading Police force. At least the children were flourishing and doing well at school. Eddie had put aside a substantial trust fund for each of them.
Things were getting from bad to worse at home with Janice and her mood swings were upsetting the children. Eddie was at a loss in what to do next. Giving her more money just led to further excesses. Things got to a head when Eddie found that she was borrowing money from the kids, their pocket money. They had a second row and she accused him of not considering her needs, only the needs of the children. By then he had employed a housekeeper to clean, cook and do the household chores for them. Since Janice refused to lift a finger until Eddie gave her an allowance on top of her earnings. Eddie relented but it still didn’t make any difference to her attitude. She only got more obsessed. Boys just gawped and smirked at her eccentricity whilst poor pretty Sarah was embarrassed by her mum and abandoned girly fashion, for grungy dungarees in protest.
One day Eddie forgot to keep an appointment with his financial advisor, to sign and authorise some important transaction. The secretary unfortunately rang Janice and the dozy cow unwittingly unfolded that Eddie was investing a substantial sum amounting to hundred of thousands of pounds. Janice confronted Eddie and in the row he let slip that he had withheld his winnings from her. She immediately upped sticks and went to live with her mother. Eddie knew that this was just the beginning of events and not the end.
Two weeks later, he had a letter from her solicitor, filing for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty. For her pains, she was claiming half of his wealth, a mansion and oh, he could have custody of the children. He could only laugh in amusement and in relief.
